A Crack in My Heart

 “Ring the bells that can still ring.

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in.”

-Leonard Cohen

Last week proved to be the hardest week of my entire life. It was the week in which I lost my baby. And my world broke open. It fell apart.

We were so excited on Monday morning, going in for our first official scan at 10 weeks…both under the assumption that everything was fine. I felt pretty good, had not been cramping or bleeding or anything that would cause alarm.

So, both Craig and I were confused when the doctor performing the scan couldn’t find a heartbeat. Even then, I still didn’t understand what she meant until she used the word miscarriage. And then there was the shock. I remember lying there, feeling my whole body scream “No!!!!!” but only lying there quietly, tears immediately coming to my eyes. I remember Craig asking a question to two, I could see him trying to understand what she meant. The doctor was not one of compassion, she was blunt and cold and told me I could go into the toilet and I quickly made my way in, Craig touching me gently as I walked by….I remember sobbing quietly as I sat on the toilet, still trying to make sense of what had just happened. I had seen my baby on the screen, so small and yet, the doctor told us that baby had probably died a week before, based on his/her size.

It’s called a Missed Miscarriage. This is where the baby has died or failed to develop but is still in your uterus. I learned a lot about miscarriage and this whole other world in a very short period of time. Such as, one in every 5 pregnancies will miscarry before 20 weeks. I was one of them. As we left the doctor’s office, Craig holding me up at this point, I couldn’t control the audible sorrow coming from my mouth, the tears pouring down as it truly hit me. We were never going to meet our baby. The most exciting and beautiful moments of these past couple of months had just come to a very abrupt end.  I have never in my life felt this kind of sorrow and pain in my body, in my heart.  I had loved my baby, no matter that I hadn’t yet heard his or her heartbeat yet. I absolutely adored our baby already.

Craig made a call to my Mom, to a few other family and friends. I couldn’t speak to anyone; I was still processing it all. He took me to the beach where we sat in our sorrow together. He found us shells to give back to the ocean, in honour of our baby. I knew, even then, that this was exactly how it was meant to be…yet it did not take away my emptiness. Our midwife asked us to come in and they sat us down and gave us our options. I could wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally, which can take up to 2 – 3 weeks at times. I could take tablets to bring on the miscarriage or have a D & C, a surgery that removes the contents of your uterus i.e. my baby. I couldn’t yet know what to do or properly take in all of the information. I remember how kind and compassionate they were, I remember her hand on mine.

We went home and I wept the entire day. Craig held me close, he had his own sorrow but he supported me in ways that I cannot put into words. I was unable to function and I knew I had to let this process come out of me as it may. I felt sadness, anger, confusion and so much more. I didn’t know my body anymore, this body that created a miracle had all of a sudden taken it away. Or at least, that’s how it felt those first few days. The next day was much of the same….I woke up crying, I remember feeling so numb at this point. There were messages of love sent from family and friends who I could feel were with us, even those who were very far away. I felt as if somehow, I had let them all down. I had let Craig down. I had let our baby down, hadn’t I? How was this not my fault?

Miscarriage is a very lonely place. You feel absolutely helpless and it is hard to not blame yourself for all that has happened. It is still something that many keep quiet about, which I completely understand and respect. But it can feel so isolating, especially when there isn’t a lot of readily available information out there. Luckily, I found a few support groups online that were so helpful throughout this whole experience. And I also had women friends of my own friends or family who offered their own miscarriage stories, their own support and hope. It became very evident that I wasn’t alone. And my god, it was the most powerful thing for me to hear these stories. I understood quickly that I had done nothing wrong, that it wasn’t my fault.

As the week went by, I decided to take Misoprostol, which is the medicine used to bring on the miscarriage as nothing was happening. My body still acted and looked like it was pregnant which was a sort of quiet torture in its own way. I took the first dose, and nothing happened. Craig had gone and bought me many supplies and we were ready for whatever was to come. Nothing. I called my doctor the next afternoon and she said I could take the second dose earlier than the allotted 24 hours. I did. And still nothing. She recommended I go in the next day for surgery with her, to perform the D & C. Craig and I discussed it and made the decision to go through with the surgery. We had to get on a flight to the States in a week and we knew I would need to recover beforehand so this seemed to be the best option.

The next day we were at the hospital. I had never had any surgery or anaesthesia or spent much time in a hospital. The whole day was full of many firsts. Craig came with me and he stayed with me the whole day. The surgery itself is quick, 15 – 20 minutes but the rest of it is not. The preparation and the recovery hours in the hospital…after the surgery was over, I woke up and they moved me into a separate recovery area. There was a lovely older nurse who came to my bed and asked if I’d ever been through this before…she didn’t finish asking and there were more tears as I realised….it was over. They had cleaned me out. My baby was officially out of my body. She brought me a pamphlet and a beautiful tiny heart that someone had made from yarn and we put this on our altar in our home. There was a feeling of relief in this day. The waiting was over, I felt that this could be the beginning of the healing process. The tears kept coming. Craig kept holding me close.

I had yet to leave the house much, besides getting some fresh air in our yard. I didn’t feel I could face anyone or speak to anyone yet. I was messaging with a few of my family and friends. I had Craig to speak to when I needed but much of the time, I just wanted to be alone. He was somehow holding everything up around us. He was literally the Earth and all that was solid throughout this entire time. I knew that this wouldn’t last forever. I knew I would get back up again. Just not yet.

As we moved into the next week, my body made it clear that my hormones were out of whack and trying to rebalance themselves. I was all over the place. I had migraines every day. I cried at the strangest things. I didn’t know which side was up or which was down. I still didn’t feel ready to interact with the outside world. Social media wasn’t something I could handle, and I deleted my apps from my phone. I didn’t find it healing in any way. I was quick and blunt with what I needed and didn’t need in my life. It’s funny how with an experience of a tragedy, of a trauma; somehow everything quickly shifts, your perspective, your whole outlook, your entire being. I am no longer the same woman I was before, and for that I am grateful. I am not meant to be the same. At some very visceral level, I understand that this is all part of the process in my growing and becoming.

As the days go by, I can feel that there is more light coming through the cracks. The heaviness is still there, and the emptiness lingers, but no longer in that wide-open endless sky kind of way. It is more of a wave. It crashes through and then it’s gone. And I can see the light again.

There is something about a loss that completely changes you. And for some, the loss of a child that a woman never got to hold is considered “not as bad” as stillbirth, or losing a child you’ve lived years with….but this I know. I never heard my baby’s heartbeat or held my baby in my arms but I held my baby in my heart. The moment I knew our baby was growing inside my body was the moment he or she had my complete and unconditional love. And nothing can ever take away that I am the Mama to that beautiful soul. And always will be.

I am utterly grateful to my husband Craig, who has held me in body and soul throughout this experience and who continues to nurture and love in whatever way I need. I could not have gone through this without him…at least not in the healthy way that he has helped to provide for me. I know that through this we are closer, stronger and made up of different fabric than before. Thank you to my family and friends who continued to reach out throughout this time…even when I couldn’t respond, your love and messages also held my little crumbling world together.

There is a beautiful organisation called Pink Elephants Support Network and I have found their website so helpful and informative while going through this sometimes confusing and scary time. I think the women who have shared their own stories of miscarriage and loss were the bravest and most beautiful for me in my own journey. It was reading their stories that gave me the courage and hope to keep moving forward, day by day. Something that moved me, taken from the Pink Elephants website: “it is believed that when a mother elephant loses her baby, the other elephants stand in a circle around her and allow her the time she needs to grieve and mourn. They gently touch her with their trunks, in a silent show of unwavering support.” Thank you to my beautiful circle of support. Thank you for holding the space for me to grieve.

I do not feel that I will necessarily “move on” from this, not in the sense that this phrase brings to mind. How do you move on from something like this? Instead, I feel that I am changed and moved in ways that will only allow me to open even wider to this life. I have a deeper appreciation for life itself, for my loved ones and for the possibility of new life.

And even after all of this, I have so much hope. Hope for our future and all that it will bring. And when the time is right, both Craig and I have agreed we would like to try again. In no way would we do this to replace what we have lost because that is not possible. Our little baby will always be remembered, and we are going to plant a tree tomorrow in his or her honour on our land.

“Hope is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul-

And sings the tune without words-

And never stops -at all- “

(Taken from the poem by Emily Dickinson)

This little soul has broken something open inside of me, has altered my heart in ways I cannot describe. In many ways, my baby has shown me a greater love and vulnerability than I have ever known.

And I share all of this with you as part of my own healing process but also for any other Mamas out there that need to hear it. I am so sorry for your loss. You are strong, you are courageous and there is a light ahead.

Sacred Love

Bali Sun Worship

Sacred Earth,
Sun blessings

Sacred touch,
Skin to skin vows

Sacred sea,
sparkling light

Sacred moments,
with you.

a wild broken heart

She wondered if she would
ever grow tired of
the quiet cracking, splitting, breaking
of her heart.
Each rip a reminder (a caution of sorts)
that she was well and truly
breakable...
Fragile, if she was being honest.

Some might say she was
foolish,
a naive woman with
a wild, broken heart.

She wondered if they might be right.
Maybe a lock made sense
or a cage to keep
connection at bay.
A simpler way to live..
and this way meant less risk of
shattered pieces,
less chance of
broken fragments
scattered with yet another
lost love.

So she tried living in the cage
and she locked up her
wild, broken heart.
But it was never meant
to be tamed.
It kept her awake
with songs of
freedom and longing
and love.

She understood that her heart knew better
and in that moment
there was no cage or lock,
no bars or armour
to guard her
achingly beautiful,
eternally hopeful
wild, broken heart.

And she knew that
she would never grow tired of this
endless dance,
this miraculous journey lead by her
powerful heart compass.

Some might call her journey dangerous,
even say she was crazy...
but she would choose
wild and free,
love and light,

over a life with a cage any day.
She would choose a wild, broken heart.

Love from Oz.

the light of dance and breath

It began as a way to survive,
the control and restriction,
the self punishment and starvation.
It was a way to stay small...on so many levels.
A secret and slow fading away.

At times, I truly thought it was a kind of
freedom.
A freedom from everyone else's way.
A freedom from the right way, the only way.
But now I see it was actually the opposite,
chains, a cage, clipping my wings so there could be
no chance of flight.

In the midst of the control, fear and self-loathing
I found movement with breath,
strength in the slow, steady beat of my heart,
beauty in my imperfectly perfect self.
I found yoga.
Thank you Universe
for sending me the light of dance
and breath....
for finding a way to connect my heart to my body
and my soul to my truth.

In yoga I have become a woman who loves her own body,
the way it feels when I reach for the sky with my fingertips...
the way it feels as I hug the earth with my belly and heart.
I have become a woman who delights in the sensation of
sweat slipping down my skin,
heart pounding in my chest
and the breath leading each moment.
Each breath is leading me to
a deeper connection to freedom.

If life before yoga was empty and starving
it's now full of light, love, laughter and play...
It's full of movement, growth and an ever expanding
desire to leave the old layers behind.
As I move and flow I release the chains
and unlock the cage around my heart.
In yoga I am more connected to my
playful spirit and the call of my wild beautiful soul.

I no longer need the control of my anorexic mind.
The power her voice once held is gone and instead
I hear music.
It's the song of freedom
and I'm dancing
dancing
dancing
with gratitude for this life.


Love from Oz.
All Rights Reserved - Chrissy Beth
 

connection

Connection

Everyone wants it but so many are scared of it.
You find it and then you run away.
Fear, holding you back.
You smash into it and it knocks you off of your feet.
it's powerful, the stuff of electricity,
the stuff of eye meets eye and not looking away.
Because you see my soul and I see yours
and I'd like to dive in deeper.

Often the connection gets lost in your head
which tries to sort out, rationalize, arrange and
make sense of this strange and beautiful energy buzz,
this 'I met you yesterday but I've known you always' sort of feeling.
You knew me before, your head will tell you otherwise but
your heart is right.
Your heart knows the truth.

So for some this is when it's time to
lock up the heart, put up the gate, close the door. (Quick, slam it shut!)
Too much, too scary, too strong....
too familiar.
Safer to stay in your head, to look away,
avert your gaze...
Especially when you were just about to dive in deeper.
Careful, cautious, best to stay on the same path
so you know what's coming, no unexpected turns or bumps.

Everyone else seems to be doing okay
with their familiar path
and averted eyes
but I want more.
There's so much more than okay.
This life is too short and
I'm not everyone else.

I've unlocked my heart and my door is open
and I see you.
I see your beauty and your mess and
I feel the pain you've been holding onto for too long.
I feel scared too but I'd rather the fear than
no connection at all.
I'd rather the risk and the jump
than the safety net.

This is the stuff of real life,
the connections we make,
the risks we take and it's electric.
Electric authenticity when you hold my gaze
and take my hand
and dive in deeper.

Love from Oz.

All right reserved - Chrissy Beth. 2015

the quiet call

 I hear a quiet call...

I know you hear it too...
It starts as a whisper,
so soft you think you're imagining it.
Yet you stop, straining to understand
The sound, so powerful yet muffled.

It's a call to your bones,
your heart
your skin
your soul
your whole being,
an awakening.
it's time.


It's the call of who you've always been,
a reminder of sorts....
for you've forgotten along the way.
And when you look down,
the chains are heavy, so heavy
and you feel them
dragging you along.

Your heart longs to crack open wide,
wide, so wide...
Your feet long to run, so fast and far.
Your body aches for the fire,
shaking with passion,
trembling with desire.

The call is no longer quiet
and the sound fills your entire being.
You try to contain it,
the wild dance brewing in your soul,
your eyes wide, your skin tingling.
Your dance is fierce...
beautiful, sweaty and strange all at once
and as you move
the chains of an appropriate life crumble,
dust to the earth.


Your wings open wide,
reaching and stretching and remembering
that flight is inevitable.
You forgot what this felt like,
the power and strength of your freedom.
Your feet float ever so slowly off of the ground
As you begin to take flight...
Light and peaceful.

I hear a quiet call
for the wild, strange soul dance
inside of me, (inside of you)
and the flight of freedom
in my wings.
it's time.

I know you hear it too...


Love from Oz.


All rights reserved. Chrissy Beth

Broken woman

Today I am a broken woman.
I feel all the bones in my body

They ache with the weight of change
At any moment they might crumble to the ground...
and part of me wouldn't mind that. 

Today I am a broken woman
With less to give than I'd like

In fact, I'm empty
So if you take anything
It's a facade
the surrounds of me

You can have it
But I can't promise it will bring you any joy or love.

Today I am a broken woman

There is a song inside of me
The melody a bit haunting
but so beautiful all at once

I thought it was new at first
but then realized it's always been there
In all women

A universal tune we share 
Our anthem, if you will
The union of all of our stories
Verses
Notes 
Combined into this one everlasting song
A song of healing.

Today I am a broken woman
I see my sisters in their beauty and their pain
I see you.

In our struggle and tears 
All the moments of painful truth that we become 
We become more beautiful.
I see your beauty, sister.

Today I am a broken woman
It will pass
The fog will lift and my bones will find their strength
To hold me
Hold others

I will face the world in full power and love.
But for now
I will be okay with crumbling
It's what I need

I will embrace my broken pieces 
and sing them the universal tune
the one that leaks out my eyes 
and down my cheeks
the one that heals. 

And I will love myself
In this 
This moment 
Of pure
Raw transformation. 


 Love from Oz.

This one's for the misfits.

This one's for the misfits.
The freaks,
The weirdos.
The ones who can't seem to fit the mold. No matter how hard they try.
And you've tried hard.
This one's for anyone who keeps striving to follow the formula society has fed you but
Can't. Quite. Make. It. Work.

So you look for an escape...
Drugs, alcohol, sex, work, violence, pills, food....anything to make you feel less wild, less freakish...
Or just to feel less.
You think, numb is what I want.
Numb will make me normal.

Numb from the wild, beautiful beating of your heart.
Numb from that knowing that you aren't supposed to settle for this one way.
You know there's so much more, so many different ways.
Numb from all that you desire and all that you see...
Numb from the pain of trying to be someone you're not.

This one's for the misfits.
This one's for the beautiful souls that bring colour to our world.
Your rainbow is brilliant and we need more of your colour.
This one's for the freaks,
In all of your glorious light. So much light.
Why do you keep covering it up?
Let it shine bright.

Now's the time to be you,
the weird, wild, freakishly unique being that you are.
Normal is not part of your journey, normal is not what you're made of, not your calling.
Normal isn't going to bring you happiness or peace
and it certainly won't fill your heart with love. (they'll try to say I'm crazy but you know I'm right)

Screw normal.
Embrace your strange  and your freak and your fantastically colourful soul.
You're so much more than you realise.
Screw numb.
There's so much to feel and see and taste and touch.
So much to breathe in and out and to dream and imagine.
So much life to live and love to give.

This one's for the weirdos.
You are not alone and you are loved.

Love from Oz.

You are enough. Right now.

 Yesterday I had a young woman in my class who was practicing yoga for the first time. She was lovely, trying everything the best she could and taking it all in with a smile. After class, we talked for a while and she had a few questions. She looked quite radiant and fresh and I felt like I could see her yoga skin start to grow right before my eyes.

At one point, she said to me, "as you can see, I need to lose a lot of weight...will this help me to lose weight?" I was taken aback by this assumption that I should "see" that she needs to lose weight, as if I was thinking this already when truth be told I had no thoughts about her weight, only thinking how amazing she was during her first class. After being caught off guard, I talked a bit about balancing out the metabolism and mentioned that I personally don't like scales/numbers when striving for better health. I said that she would gain strength, would tone her muscles and maybe she'd notice her clothes would fit differently. But later, as I thought back to our conversation, I had some regret. I wish I would have said what I was really thinking.

This is what I wish I would have said: 

You are enough. 

You are beautiful, right now, in this moment. 

You are making steps to be a better you and that is amazing and inspiring. 

I am inspired by you. 

You are unique.

And beautiful.

You are enough. 

That is what I would say to her right now, if she were to ask me again...and it's what I feel about each person that comes to class. We are all simply striving to be a better version of ourselves as we step onto our mats. And to me, that is enough. That is beautiful.

Love from Oz.

I had no idea

I used to think that if I could just lose a few more pounds, I'd feel better, prettier, happier...I'd somehow be a bit more complete or worth more or something like that. But it was never enough. I'm not sure why this happens to someone with an eating disorder. It can very quickly go from, "hmmm, I want to eat healthier or get in better shape" to "I can't eat this or that or anything and I need to go workout for 3 hours because I just ate one piece of candy." Maybe that sounds like an exaggeration but for some it is a reality. An eating disorder can escalate very quickly and this can easily happen without loved ones noticing the changes.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and one point of focus for the week is "I Had No Idea." I had no idea that my friend was obsessed with exercising, it just seemed like she wanted to get in better shape. I had no idea my brother was starving himself, I just thought he was eating healthier. You get the idea. The truth is, most eating disorders are greatly misunderstood. Someone finds out their friend has an ED and they tell him or her to start eating more, no problem right? Just eat a burger and extra fries. The friend who is addicted to exercising? Simple, stop running so much, skip a workout or two. Nope, not that simple. See, it's much much bigger and deeper than that...it's not really about the food, or the exercise, the calories or the special diet. And many people with an eating disorder may not even realize that they have one. In fact, especially in our diet and health obsessed culture, it gets harder to recognize what's healthy and what's crossed over to an ED.

If you think someone you love may be heading down that path the best thing you can do is show that you care. Start an open, honest conversation in a safe place and tell them you are worried, you care, that you want to help. NEDA reported that early intervention can help to reduce the risk of someone moving into a full blown eating disorder. And even if your friend doesn't respond in a positive way,  know that your support and love is so important to that person. Don't give up on them. The National Eating Disorders Collaboration has some great tips on how to talk to a loved one about an ED here http://www.nedc.com.au/what-to-say-and-do.

I am blessed to say that I have recovered from my eating disorder. This could not have happened without the love and support of family and friends and my yoga practice. The road to recovery is long and bumpy but it is without a doubt the most beautiful moment of freedom to realize you are on the other side of your ED. So for this week, try more love for yourself, for those around you and less talk about your diet, your weight and the amount of calories you burned. Your words are powerful. Stick to love.

Love from Oz.

Getting stuck in the land of negative self-talk

After teaching a yoga class yesterday, one of the students came up to me to talk about something she had been able to do for the first time. She told me that she was able to grab her heels in Camel pose and she was elated! She said that after she'd finished the posture and come up, she was so excited she wanted to tell everyone. She wanted to celebrate! Her daughter was practicing next to her and she said it was hard not to call out to her and share her success.

Her excitement and happiness over what her body was able to do is still in mind today. As women (and men) we can be so critical of ourselves, specifically of our bodies. I am constantly hearing people talk about their body in a negative way. Body-shaming has become a normal and accepted part of the way that we talk. It's as if there is something wrong with you if you don't complain about how fat you think you are or how you wish you had tighter abs. It doesn't help that we are constantly bombarded by the media and ads telling us that we need to change something about our appearance, to fix ourselves in some way. Everyone gets down on themselves once in a while, I do too. It's part of life to feel insecure once in a while. But, I'm happy to say that after many years of a constant stream of negative self-talk I have finally found a great love for my own body.  I love the way my body feels when I stretch on my yoga mat. I celebrate when I try a new arm balance and am able to hold it for a few extra seconds. I enjoy the feeling of a full belly after eating a delicious home cooked meal. I didn't always feel this way though. I used to be very critical of myself and was constantly finding faults and things that I didn't like about my appearance. When I look back at that time, I feel exhausted thinking about it! I wasted so much energy and gained nothing from that kind of thinking.

If you find yourself getting stuck in the land of negative self-talk, start to think of one reason that you are grateful for your body. It can be anything, like "I'm grateful that my body has the energy to play with my kids." Or "I'm grateful for my ability to ride my bike today." It doesn't have to be a massive endeavor, celebrate the little things. Challenge yourself to find a few things, each day, that you like about yourself. Just like the student in my yoga class, we should all be celebrating the little victories as they come along. I encourage you to listen to how you talk about your body and be aware if you start to use body-shaming in your conversation (either in your head or out loud). In my own experience, the more negative and critical your thoughts, the more stress and anxiety you will have in your life. But if you can reduce the body-shaming and replace it with a more positive, loving voice, you will start to find more peace inside yourself. This will automatically spill into a more peaceful life, a more joyful life. Remember, this takes time, so be patient, take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing and unique and there is so much to celebrate about you.


Love from Oz.

It's 2015 and I'm not hear to talk about detoxing

As we move into 2015, I can't help but feel bombarded by the articles on Facebook, the news and different blogs about detoxing, starting over, losing weight, eating better, etc. I agree that the new year is a great time to start fresh and think about making some changes but I wonder when it's ever enough. When does all of this detoxing, food control, fasting and new diet border on unhealthy?

When I suffered from anorexia, I restricted everything I ate. Everything. For those of you that have never experienced an eating disorder or been around someone with one, please note that I don't use the word everything lightly. There was so much thought and control that went into every little bite. Every single tiny bit of food was planned out and then planned out again....it takes up your entire life. No, I'm serious, it consumes you and then some. It's the saddest existence and I would never wish it on anyone. We are given this amazing chance to live and enjoy each day and I spent so much of it worrying about what I was going to eat, if I was going to eat but even more so; worrying about what I had already eaten. (because in my mind, any food was too much food) This is not living life. This is shrinking, controlling, disappearing....and for what?

We live in a world of shouldn't, should, must, have to, better not, can't have that...there is so much that isn't good for us, there is so much we should be doing to be healthier, thinner, younger looking, etc. I feel as if there is this never ending search for the perfect diet, workout, juice, recipe...it's exhausting. I am all for living a healthy lifestyle and eating well, don't get me wrong! In fact, just recently, I've discovered that I have much more energy and feel so much better without a lot of gluten in my diet. But, I don't like to focus too much on what I "can't eat" in my own diet, simply because of my history with an eating disorder. I am wary of anyone that tells me I have to stop eating this or that in order to be healthier. In fact, I've stopped restricting my food a long time ago and I feel healthier and happier for it. Everyone is different but I feel that most people struggle with a "diet" that tells you to never eat bread or fruit or chocolate. The more I had to restrict my food, the more I thought about it, the more it took over my day. It becomes an unhealthy thought pattern and that can quickly spiral out of control.

I believe that our health obsessed culture breeds more eating disorders and more people with a negative body image. Here in Australia, one in 20 people have an eating disorder and that rate is on the rise. It's for this reason that I want to encourage people to be aware of their thoughts around their habits and lifestyle. If you feel guilty for eating that one cookie or find yourself obsessing over the fact that you didn't get to yoga today, it could be time to cut yourself some slack. As a yoga teacher, I am constantly hearing people beat themselves up for not getting enough classes in this week...or eating too much pasta last night. There is so much pressure to live a certain way, to be "healthy."  I encourage you to take care of yourself, but sometimes that means staying home with your family and eating pasta instead of working out...or enjoying a dessert at a restaurant while out with your girlfriends. It means living without all of the control and the "I shouldn't" and the "this is bad" mentality.

So instead of thinking about your next fast, why not focus on that painting you've been putting off, or the book you've been meaning to read, or your family's holiday plans? After I recovered from my eating disorder, I couldn't believe how much time I had to do other things, the whole world opened up to me. If you find yourself always thinking about your diet, weight, body, please don't take that lightly, even if all of your friends and family are of the same mindset. (that's a whole other blog post) Here's to a new year with less emphasis on what you shouldn't be doing and more on what you can do! Here's to your dreams and a positive body image and this beautiful life you've been given.  I am grateful today for the food I get to eat and the body that allows me to move and dance and do yoga. I hope that more people, in their search for a healthier existence, see their ability and beauty and strength. This life is precious, eat it up, right now!

Love from Oz.


I feel very strongly that if you or someone you know is developing unhealthy eating or exercise habits that you visit http://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/ for more information. You can also send me an email at contact@butterflychrissy.com.au.

This is for all of the women

This is for all of the women.
This is for you.
Yes, it's for you dear sister, friend,
mother, wife, daughter and lover.

For the ones who are never satisfied
with the image looking back at them.
This is for your struggle,
the constant struggle!
to be something different,
to be like her....or her...even her.
Anything but you, yourself, the image looking back at you.

This is for the minutes, hours, days, nights...
is it a lifetime?
of trying to change, fix, perfect your already beautiful being.
This is for those moments spent (wasted)
starving, binging, purging, planning...
How long will you believe the lies? (those voices)
It's already been too long, too many minutes, my friend.

This is your life, now, it's here sister!
The voices, the demons, of course they will try to drag you down.
But listen, there will always be people out there ready
to pull you up, to hold you up, embrace, to love, love, love you up.
I love you, I see you,
all of your beauty,
your one and only kind of beauty.

This is for all of the women,
a call of sorts,
look up!
Yes, it's for you too.
You are strong and beautiful and fierce and so much more than you realize.
This is for you.
We can hold each other up, together,
here, take my hand.
I see you, your one and only kind of beauty.

 *       *      *      *       *        *      *      *      *        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

If you or someone you know has an eating disorder, please talk to someone, it's time. Don't wait any longer. 

http://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/


Love from Oz.

Crying on the Podium

Just recently I taught a class, not too big and most of the students had been practicing for a while. It was a strong class from the start. Everyone was moving together, they were very focused, but what caught my attention was that they were all trying so hard. I mean, really trying, with determination on their faces as the sweat rolled into their eyes, off of their skin, onto their mat. As I was teaching Standing Head to Knee pose, I noticed one student had both legs straight and was working on bending his elbows down and I'd never before seen him go that far in the posture. He had improved so much. And the sight of that man, pushing himself to another level...I was overcome with emotion.

And that's when I realized I was going to cry. I can't remember if this is something that they warned us about at Teacher Training. Crying on the podium. They talk about feeling nervous, tired, or even when you are sick, but maybe not so much about crying. And so, as I stood up there, I felt my voice choke up, I swallowed back the tears...my words coming out very weak and quiet. Luckily, everyone was working so hard that most of them wouldn't have noticed their teacher was on the verge of tears. But at the end of the first set of the posture, I tried to regain my composure, making a joke that their postures were going to make me cry, they looked so good! And some of them quickly looked up, confused looks, some laughed...I can imagine some of them thinking I probably needed a break from the hot room!

But as I think back on that moment, I can only think, this is Yoga. I am here with you, present, I see you trying, I see you struggling and I feel it. I feel that you had a long day, that you're tired, but you're still in here, locking your knee, staring at yourself in the mirror, determined and focused. And it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. More than once throughout that class I had to fight back tears. I can't quite explain why it kept happening and even now, thinking back, it feels tender. Every class is different and this one was powerful for me. While I wouldn't want to feel like I was going to cry every time I teach a class, (yikes, no!) I am thankful for this time.

As a teacher, you see students cry, get frustrated, you see them fall, you see them give up. But you see them get up and try again, and change and grow...if you keep your eyes open, your heart open, you can see so much and learn so much. It's part of the journey of teaching and practicing this yoga. You learn from me and I learn from you. And I think that's what happened that day. My eyes were open. My heart was open.

My heart is open. 

Love from Oz.

the words

I think there is so much more
to say to you.
The words get lost
lost
lost
in the wake up
get up
get going
hurry
of the day.
And I'm scared
we will be
lost
so lost
if I don't find
the words.

Practice hard. Live more.

Bikram yoga has made my life so much better. It's pretty simple...before Bikram and after Bikram are two very different lives and hands down, this one's so much better. When I found the yoga, my life wasn't awful, it just wasn't...full of life. It wasn't joyful, it wasn't everything I hoped for, everything I dreamed about. I'm not saying that my life is perfect now by any means, it's not that...it's just that I'm doing something I truly love and sharing it with others...which in turn makes me feel so good. Every day. And it's considered my job! I'm surrounded by beautiful people who love this yoga and am lucky to share this passion with my partner, Craig.

But, being an all or nothing sort of gal, I've had to work hard at finding the balance. Yup, the balance of this yoga life. Being a full time teacher, I am in the room at least two to three times a day...teaching and practicing. I love to practice as much as I can, but sometimes I have to back off when I'm teaching alot of classes or if I want to spend time doing something else. This has not always been easy for me. I think alot of yogis go through this, especially those that have made Bikram Yoga a staple of their every day lives. The thing that we forget is that this yoga is here to help us live healthier, fuller, richer lives! It's not meant to stifle us or stop us from doing what we love. The other day I heard a student who had just finished a 30 day challenge say something to the effect that now he was going to take a break and go surfing the next day. And the way he said it sounded like..."now I'm going to go out and live my life and do stuff that I like." Since then, I've been thinking about it alot, this idea of balance and life and yoga. Bikram himself talks about doing what you love, eating what you like...he doesn't sit around quietly locked inside a yoga room. He's quite the opposite! So why can't we live that way?

I know that some people think that you should practice every single day, no matter what...and some weeks that's what I do. But then there are the days that I want to get up late and have a big breakfast with Craig...or go out for a coffee at one of our favorite cafes. Maybe there's a good movie on or I want to Skype with my Mom and Dad. Or sometimes, I just need a break, because I already taught a couple of classes and my body is tired. Or maybe there's no reason at all. The yoga is here to make what you love doing even better..surfing, running or biking. Maybe you're a dancer or swimmer...whatever it is, it's not meant to keep you from what you love. It's meant to give more life to your life, to give you more energy and focus and overall vitality. I think sometimes, we forget. We work so hard to get to class that we don't stop and think about anything else.

Now, that being said, there are days that I'm just making excuses for myself and simply need to get my butt into the room. We all have those days, but this is more about the overall practice and how it fits into your life. Finding the balance. Yoga is life, it's everything. It's not just the 90 minutes in the hot room, it's what happens after you walk out the door as well. You practice hard so you can live more. So do it. Start living. The yoga, this life...it's all there waiting for you.

Love from Oz.

to treasure

Sometimes all you need is to get back to the people that know you in the way only old friends can...all of your mistakes, your past loves, your dreams, your heartache, your tears, your crazy nights, your victories, the things that you can't even remember. (and sometimes don't want to) That kind of stuff. That kind of friend. The rare kind you treasure. Treasure forever. I was lucky to see more than one on my short trip to Michigan. It was so lovely. And lovely in that 'this is something I want to remember forever' way. I miss them already. Oh, and Michigan was beautiful. I forgot how much beauty there was in the mitten state. Especially after the first snow, sparkly, and the trees bare as the sun sets. Pretty Michigan.

No honking horns or elephants...

Back home now. It's quieter here, no honking horns or elephants walking past. Everything is so clean, no one is living on the streets...and, of course, there's Starbucks. Coming back during Thanksgiving has been a bit of a culture shock, America at it's buying best...Black Friday, sales, sales, more sales, people fighting each other for the best deal. Not the prettiest part of this country, in my opinion. But my family is here, and that's really all that matters. Even though I miss the elephants, the colors and all things India, it's good to be back. Sometimes the quiet is exactly what you need. Sometimes you just need to be near family, to soak up the familiar stuff that only they can give you. The weird, crazy, fun stuff that always happens when you're with your family. I'm happy to be soaking it all up. Happy to be home.

Love from CA.

Dear India, I will miss you

As this is my last day in India, I wanted to post something in my blog before I leave for the airport. I feel like it should be profound and deep but, to be honest...it just feels a bit surreal. I mean, six months goes really fast and I feel a little bit shocked that I am actually packing my last few things into my suitcase. I have known this is coming, so I shouldn't really be surprised, but it's still there a little bit...

I am so excited to head back to my family in CA, and then back to Brisbane after a few weeks. I need the comfort of home and to hold my nephew again and to have coffee with my mom...I have no idea what it will be like to be back in America after this time in India. I think there is a part of me that will miss this place more than I can understand right now. This place has made a home inside my heart and is there to stay.

We may find ourselves here again someday. But until then, dear India, I will miss you. You are beautiful, sad, strange, silly, crazy, amazing...you are unlike anything I have ever experienced. And for that I am grateful.

Love from India. 

addicted to Break ton Neck

I am addicted to this video right now. 

I think if I don't stop watching it soon, Craig is going to get jealous! No, but seriously, there is something very beautiful but raw in this video and 

I wish the dancer would come take a Bikram Yoga class. 

And then show me how to dance like he does here.

Love from India.