a wild broken heart

She wondered if she would
ever grow tired of
the quiet cracking, splitting, breaking
of her heart.
Each rip a reminder (a caution of sorts)
that she was well and truly
breakable...
Fragile, if she was being honest.

Some might say she was
foolish,
a naive woman with
a wild, broken heart.

She wondered if they might be right.
Maybe a lock made sense
or a cage to keep
connection at bay.
A simpler way to live..
and this way meant less risk of
shattered pieces,
less chance of
broken fragments
scattered with yet another
lost love.

So she tried living in the cage
and she locked up her
wild, broken heart.
But it was never meant
to be tamed.
It kept her awake
with songs of
freedom and longing
and love.

She understood that her heart knew better
and in that moment
there was no cage or lock,
no bars or armour
to guard her
achingly beautiful,
eternally hopeful
wild, broken heart.

And she knew that
she would never grow tired of this
endless dance,
this miraculous journey lead by her
powerful heart compass.

Some might call her journey dangerous,
even say she was crazy...
but she would choose
wild and free,
love and light,

over a life with a cage any day.
She would choose a wild, broken heart.

Love from Oz.

the light of dance and breath

It began as a way to survive,
the control and restriction,
the self punishment and starvation.
It was a way to stay small...on so many levels.
A secret and slow fading away.

At times, I truly thought it was a kind of
freedom.
A freedom from everyone else's way.
A freedom from the right way, the only way.
But now I see it was actually the opposite,
chains, a cage, clipping my wings so there could be
no chance of flight.

In the midst of the control, fear and self-loathing
I found movement with breath,
strength in the slow, steady beat of my heart,
beauty in my imperfectly perfect self.
I found yoga.
Thank you Universe
for sending me the light of dance
and breath....
for finding a way to connect my heart to my body
and my soul to my truth.

In yoga I have become a woman who loves her own body,
the way it feels when I reach for the sky with my fingertips...
the way it feels as I hug the earth with my belly and heart.
I have become a woman who delights in the sensation of
sweat slipping down my skin,
heart pounding in my chest
and the breath leading each moment.
Each breath is leading me to
a deeper connection to freedom.

If life before yoga was empty and starving
it's now full of light, love, laughter and play...
It's full of movement, growth and an ever expanding
desire to leave the old layers behind.
As I move and flow I release the chains
and unlock the cage around my heart.
In yoga I am more connected to my
playful spirit and the call of my wild beautiful soul.

I no longer need the control of my anorexic mind.
The power her voice once held is gone and instead
I hear music.
It's the song of freedom
and I'm dancing
dancing
dancing
with gratitude for this life.


Love from Oz.
All Rights Reserved - Chrissy Beth
 

connection

Connection

Everyone wants it but so many are scared of it.
You find it and then you run away.
Fear, holding you back.
You smash into it and it knocks you off of your feet.
it's powerful, the stuff of electricity,
the stuff of eye meets eye and not looking away.
Because you see my soul and I see yours
and I'd like to dive in deeper.

Often the connection gets lost in your head
which tries to sort out, rationalize, arrange and
make sense of this strange and beautiful energy buzz,
this 'I met you yesterday but I've known you always' sort of feeling.
You knew me before, your head will tell you otherwise but
your heart is right.
Your heart knows the truth.

So for some this is when it's time to
lock up the heart, put up the gate, close the door. (Quick, slam it shut!)
Too much, too scary, too strong....
too familiar.
Safer to stay in your head, to look away,
avert your gaze...
Especially when you were just about to dive in deeper.
Careful, cautious, best to stay on the same path
so you know what's coming, no unexpected turns or bumps.

Everyone else seems to be doing okay
with their familiar path
and averted eyes
but I want more.
There's so much more than okay.
This life is too short and
I'm not everyone else.

I've unlocked my heart and my door is open
and I see you.
I see your beauty and your mess and
I feel the pain you've been holding onto for too long.
I feel scared too but I'd rather the fear than
no connection at all.
I'd rather the risk and the jump
than the safety net.

This is the stuff of real life,
the connections we make,
the risks we take and it's electric.
Electric authenticity when you hold my gaze
and take my hand
and dive in deeper.

Love from Oz.

All right reserved - Chrissy Beth. 2015

the quiet call

 I hear a quiet call...

I know you hear it too...
It starts as a whisper,
so soft you think you're imagining it.
Yet you stop, straining to understand
The sound, so powerful yet muffled.

It's a call to your bones,
your heart
your skin
your soul
your whole being,
an awakening.
it's time.


It's the call of who you've always been,
a reminder of sorts....
for you've forgotten along the way.
And when you look down,
the chains are heavy, so heavy
and you feel them
dragging you along.

Your heart longs to crack open wide,
wide, so wide...
Your feet long to run, so fast and far.
Your body aches for the fire,
shaking with passion,
trembling with desire.

The call is no longer quiet
and the sound fills your entire being.
You try to contain it,
the wild dance brewing in your soul,
your eyes wide, your skin tingling.
Your dance is fierce...
beautiful, sweaty and strange all at once
and as you move
the chains of an appropriate life crumble,
dust to the earth.


Your wings open wide,
reaching and stretching and remembering
that flight is inevitable.
You forgot what this felt like,
the power and strength of your freedom.
Your feet float ever so slowly off of the ground
As you begin to take flight...
Light and peaceful.

I hear a quiet call
for the wild, strange soul dance
inside of me, (inside of you)
and the flight of freedom
in my wings.
it's time.

I know you hear it too...


Love from Oz.


All rights reserved. Chrissy Beth

Broken woman

Today I am a broken woman.
I feel all the bones in my body

They ache with the weight of change
At any moment they might crumble to the ground...
and part of me wouldn't mind that. 

Today I am a broken woman
With less to give than I'd like

In fact, I'm empty
So if you take anything
It's a facade
the surrounds of me

You can have it
But I can't promise it will bring you any joy or love.

Today I am a broken woman

There is a song inside of me
The melody a bit haunting
but so beautiful all at once

I thought it was new at first
but then realized it's always been there
In all women

A universal tune we share 
Our anthem, if you will
The union of all of our stories
Verses
Notes 
Combined into this one everlasting song
A song of healing.

Today I am a broken woman
I see my sisters in their beauty and their pain
I see you.

In our struggle and tears 
All the moments of painful truth that we become 
We become more beautiful.
I see your beauty, sister.

Today I am a broken woman
It will pass
The fog will lift and my bones will find their strength
To hold me
Hold others

I will face the world in full power and love.
But for now
I will be okay with crumbling
It's what I need

I will embrace my broken pieces 
and sing them the universal tune
the one that leaks out my eyes 
and down my cheeks
the one that heals. 

And I will love myself
In this 
This moment 
Of pure
Raw transformation. 


 Love from Oz.

This one's for the misfits.

This one's for the misfits.
The freaks,
The weirdos.
The ones who can't seem to fit the mold. No matter how hard they try.
And you've tried hard.
This one's for anyone who keeps striving to follow the formula society has fed you but
Can't. Quite. Make. It. Work.

So you look for an escape...
Drugs, alcohol, sex, work, violence, pills, food....anything to make you feel less wild, less freakish...
Or just to feel less.
You think, numb is what I want.
Numb will make me normal.

Numb from the wild, beautiful beating of your heart.
Numb from that knowing that you aren't supposed to settle for this one way.
You know there's so much more, so many different ways.
Numb from all that you desire and all that you see...
Numb from the pain of trying to be someone you're not.

This one's for the misfits.
This one's for the beautiful souls that bring colour to our world.
Your rainbow is brilliant and we need more of your colour.
This one's for the freaks,
In all of your glorious light. So much light.
Why do you keep covering it up?
Let it shine bright.

Now's the time to be you,
the weird, wild, freakishly unique being that you are.
Normal is not part of your journey, normal is not what you're made of, not your calling.
Normal isn't going to bring you happiness or peace
and it certainly won't fill your heart with love. (they'll try to say I'm crazy but you know I'm right)

Screw normal.
Embrace your strange  and your freak and your fantastically colourful soul.
You're so much more than you realise.
Screw numb.
There's so much to feel and see and taste and touch.
So much to breathe in and out and to dream and imagine.
So much life to live and love to give.

This one's for the weirdos.
You are not alone and you are loved.

Love from Oz.

You are enough. Right now.

 Yesterday I had a young woman in my class who was practicing yoga for the first time. She was lovely, trying everything the best she could and taking it all in with a smile. After class, we talked for a while and she had a few questions. She looked quite radiant and fresh and I felt like I could see her yoga skin start to grow right before my eyes.

At one point, she said to me, "as you can see, I need to lose a lot of weight...will this help me to lose weight?" I was taken aback by this assumption that I should "see" that she needs to lose weight, as if I was thinking this already when truth be told I had no thoughts about her weight, only thinking how amazing she was during her first class. After being caught off guard, I talked a bit about balancing out the metabolism and mentioned that I personally don't like scales/numbers when striving for better health. I said that she would gain strength, would tone her muscles and maybe she'd notice her clothes would fit differently. But later, as I thought back to our conversation, I had some regret. I wish I would have said what I was really thinking.

This is what I wish I would have said: 

You are enough. 

You are beautiful, right now, in this moment. 

You are making steps to be a better you and that is amazing and inspiring. 

I am inspired by you. 

You are unique.

And beautiful.

You are enough. 

That is what I would say to her right now, if she were to ask me again...and it's what I feel about each person that comes to class. We are all simply striving to be a better version of ourselves as we step onto our mats. And to me, that is enough. That is beautiful.

Love from Oz.

I had no idea

I used to think that if I could just lose a few more pounds, I'd feel better, prettier, happier...I'd somehow be a bit more complete or worth more or something like that. But it was never enough. I'm not sure why this happens to someone with an eating disorder. It can very quickly go from, "hmmm, I want to eat healthier or get in better shape" to "I can't eat this or that or anything and I need to go workout for 3 hours because I just ate one piece of candy." Maybe that sounds like an exaggeration but for some it is a reality. An eating disorder can escalate very quickly and this can easily happen without loved ones noticing the changes.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and one point of focus for the week is "I Had No Idea." I had no idea that my friend was obsessed with exercising, it just seemed like she wanted to get in better shape. I had no idea my brother was starving himself, I just thought he was eating healthier. You get the idea. The truth is, most eating disorders are greatly misunderstood. Someone finds out their friend has an ED and they tell him or her to start eating more, no problem right? Just eat a burger and extra fries. The friend who is addicted to exercising? Simple, stop running so much, skip a workout or two. Nope, not that simple. See, it's much much bigger and deeper than that...it's not really about the food, or the exercise, the calories or the special diet. And many people with an eating disorder may not even realize that they have one. In fact, especially in our diet and health obsessed culture, it gets harder to recognize what's healthy and what's crossed over to an ED.

If you think someone you love may be heading down that path the best thing you can do is show that you care. Start an open, honest conversation in a safe place and tell them you are worried, you care, that you want to help. NEDA reported that early intervention can help to reduce the risk of someone moving into a full blown eating disorder. And even if your friend doesn't respond in a positive way,  know that your support and love is so important to that person. Don't give up on them. The National Eating Disorders Collaboration has some great tips on how to talk to a loved one about an ED here http://www.nedc.com.au/what-to-say-and-do.

I am blessed to say that I have recovered from my eating disorder. This could not have happened without the love and support of family and friends and my yoga practice. The road to recovery is long and bumpy but it is without a doubt the most beautiful moment of freedom to realize you are on the other side of your ED. So for this week, try more love for yourself, for those around you and less talk about your diet, your weight and the amount of calories you burned. Your words are powerful. Stick to love.

Love from Oz.

Getting stuck in the land of negative self-talk

After teaching a yoga class yesterday, one of the students came up to me to talk about something she had been able to do for the first time. She told me that she was able to grab her heels in Camel pose and she was elated! She said that after she'd finished the posture and come up, she was so excited she wanted to tell everyone. She wanted to celebrate! Her daughter was practicing next to her and she said it was hard not to call out to her and share her success.

Her excitement and happiness over what her body was able to do is still in mind today. As women (and men) we can be so critical of ourselves, specifically of our bodies. I am constantly hearing people talk about their body in a negative way. Body-shaming has become a normal and accepted part of the way that we talk. It's as if there is something wrong with you if you don't complain about how fat you think you are or how you wish you had tighter abs. It doesn't help that we are constantly bombarded by the media and ads telling us that we need to change something about our appearance, to fix ourselves in some way. Everyone gets down on themselves once in a while, I do too. It's part of life to feel insecure once in a while. But, I'm happy to say that after many years of a constant stream of negative self-talk I have finally found a great love for my own body.  I love the way my body feels when I stretch on my yoga mat. I celebrate when I try a new arm balance and am able to hold it for a few extra seconds. I enjoy the feeling of a full belly after eating a delicious home cooked meal. I didn't always feel this way though. I used to be very critical of myself and was constantly finding faults and things that I didn't like about my appearance. When I look back at that time, I feel exhausted thinking about it! I wasted so much energy and gained nothing from that kind of thinking.

If you find yourself getting stuck in the land of negative self-talk, start to think of one reason that you are grateful for your body. It can be anything, like "I'm grateful that my body has the energy to play with my kids." Or "I'm grateful for my ability to ride my bike today." It doesn't have to be a massive endeavor, celebrate the little things. Challenge yourself to find a few things, each day, that you like about yourself. Just like the student in my yoga class, we should all be celebrating the little victories as they come along. I encourage you to listen to how you talk about your body and be aware if you start to use body-shaming in your conversation (either in your head or out loud). In my own experience, the more negative and critical your thoughts, the more stress and anxiety you will have in your life. But if you can reduce the body-shaming and replace it with a more positive, loving voice, you will start to find more peace inside yourself. This will automatically spill into a more peaceful life, a more joyful life. Remember, this takes time, so be patient, take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing and unique and there is so much to celebrate about you.


Love from Oz.

It's 2015 and I'm not hear to talk about detoxing

As we move into 2015, I can't help but feel bombarded by the articles on Facebook, the news and different blogs about detoxing, starting over, losing weight, eating better, etc. I agree that the new year is a great time to start fresh and think about making some changes but I wonder when it's ever enough. When does all of this detoxing, food control, fasting and new diet border on unhealthy?

When I suffered from anorexia, I restricted everything I ate. Everything. For those of you that have never experienced an eating disorder or been around someone with one, please note that I don't use the word everything lightly. There was so much thought and control that went into every little bite. Every single tiny bit of food was planned out and then planned out again....it takes up your entire life. No, I'm serious, it consumes you and then some. It's the saddest existence and I would never wish it on anyone. We are given this amazing chance to live and enjoy each day and I spent so much of it worrying about what I was going to eat, if I was going to eat but even more so; worrying about what I had already eaten. (because in my mind, any food was too much food) This is not living life. This is shrinking, controlling, disappearing....and for what?

We live in a world of shouldn't, should, must, have to, better not, can't have that...there is so much that isn't good for us, there is so much we should be doing to be healthier, thinner, younger looking, etc. I feel as if there is this never ending search for the perfect diet, workout, juice, recipe...it's exhausting. I am all for living a healthy lifestyle and eating well, don't get me wrong! In fact, just recently, I've discovered that I have much more energy and feel so much better without a lot of gluten in my diet. But, I don't like to focus too much on what I "can't eat" in my own diet, simply because of my history with an eating disorder. I am wary of anyone that tells me I have to stop eating this or that in order to be healthier. In fact, I've stopped restricting my food a long time ago and I feel healthier and happier for it. Everyone is different but I feel that most people struggle with a "diet" that tells you to never eat bread or fruit or chocolate. The more I had to restrict my food, the more I thought about it, the more it took over my day. It becomes an unhealthy thought pattern and that can quickly spiral out of control.

I believe that our health obsessed culture breeds more eating disorders and more people with a negative body image. Here in Australia, one in 20 people have an eating disorder and that rate is on the rise. It's for this reason that I want to encourage people to be aware of their thoughts around their habits and lifestyle. If you feel guilty for eating that one cookie or find yourself obsessing over the fact that you didn't get to yoga today, it could be time to cut yourself some slack. As a yoga teacher, I am constantly hearing people beat themselves up for not getting enough classes in this week...or eating too much pasta last night. There is so much pressure to live a certain way, to be "healthy."  I encourage you to take care of yourself, but sometimes that means staying home with your family and eating pasta instead of working out...or enjoying a dessert at a restaurant while out with your girlfriends. It means living without all of the control and the "I shouldn't" and the "this is bad" mentality.

So instead of thinking about your next fast, why not focus on that painting you've been putting off, or the book you've been meaning to read, or your family's holiday plans? After I recovered from my eating disorder, I couldn't believe how much time I had to do other things, the whole world opened up to me. If you find yourself always thinking about your diet, weight, body, please don't take that lightly, even if all of your friends and family are of the same mindset. (that's a whole other blog post) Here's to a new year with less emphasis on what you shouldn't be doing and more on what you can do! Here's to your dreams and a positive body image and this beautiful life you've been given.  I am grateful today for the food I get to eat and the body that allows me to move and dance and do yoga. I hope that more people, in their search for a healthier existence, see their ability and beauty and strength. This life is precious, eat it up, right now!

Love from Oz.


I feel very strongly that if you or someone you know is developing unhealthy eating or exercise habits that you visit http://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/ for more information. You can also send me an email at contact@butterflychrissy.com.au.